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Impossible to Love

I debated writing this.

I thought about it for a long time.

In fact, I might chicken out even now…

As I type.

I might just stop, delete, and change my mind. (Should I? Nah.) It’s an important one I think.

But it hurt like hell to hear last week when it happened. So writing it now just brings up that nauseating feeling in my stomach when I heard the words coming from his mouth. But like a mom whose kid comes running home and tells a story about her best friend doing something awful, I’m just venting. I want to tell it and move on.

But the thing is, can you ever get over it? Like those little girls, those best friends. They made up so quickly and forgot all about the fight. But the mom? Fuck no. (You never really liked that little bitch again…am I right?)

So, will Y’all hold a grudge? If I tell you what he said…

Maybe I should give you the back story so you can understand why we were fighting.

Actually, we had been fighting for weeks over something totally legit. It was bad (not break-up bad) but it was pretty shitty on his part. It was a total fuck up but HE KNEW HE WAS WRONG. And people make mistakes, right? He apologized 2000 times over and over.

But here’s the thing. He couldn’t “understand why I was so upset.” So, I just couldn’t get over it. An apology is not really an apology if it’s followed by a “but”. (Not to be confused with a butt.) You can’t say,”I’m sorry Jen…but I don’t understand why you’re upset.” WTF is that?

After ten months of dating, why did he not get it?

So, sure I hated him. I loathed him. He could do nothing right and after me resenting him he was done trying. This was a full-on, blow-out fight. Per usual, I was spinning out and he was just standing there watching me with his eyes rolling.

Head shaking.

Pissed as FUCK.

Every once in awhile trying his best to get a word in. And when he did, it was loud. Which is not the norm for Number Thirteen. Usually, he is calm, cool, and the total opposite of me. My hands started flailing and head was bobbing. (I was in full-on Jewish-bitch mode.)

And that’s when it happened.

He got really quiet, he looked at me…and he said it.

“You are impossible to love.”  

My mouth dropped open, my eyes filled instantly with tears. Even he was shocked by his words and the magnitude of what was said. I lowered my head and sighed fully knowing he didn’t really mean it, but it was “out there” now.

I am impossible to love. Fuck.

I looked up at him and repeated it,”I am impossible to love?” He instantly said,”No, no! That’s not what I meant. I meant you are difficult at times. It’s like hard to love you when you spin out.” (Wow. Was that any better?) I wanted someone to pull the knife out of my stomach. Or my heart, it didn’t matter pick the organ…I was clearly dying. His words had killed me.

And I started to think…

Perhaps I am impossible to love. Yikes. I mean, I’m an emotionally-charged woman who is passionate about just about everything! I cry at Kleenex commercials and movies that no other person on the planet would ever cry at. Logan for the love of G-d.  Logan! The one where Wolverine dies at the end? (Whoops, spoiler alert. He dies.) Shit, I like what I like and I order things on the side. I am picky and I don’t like cats. Whatever. I go from 0-60 on a dime and so do about 30-million other women! It’s in our DNA.

I am impossibly impossible.

But I am also a good person who loves with my entire being…and I just thought Number Thirteen knew that. That was what was the most upsetting about that night. Did he not know how much I loved him? Jesus. Maybe there lies the disconnect?

Sometimes we assume love is unconditional, but it’s just not.

I can’t say anything I’m feeling just because I love him. The words are still hurtful and confusing. And he can’t NOT say the things I need to hear and assume I know he loves me. Because I don’t.  It’s back to the words vs. actions thing…it can really cause quite the communication issue. Maybe it’s not ME that’s impossible to love. Maybe it’s just impossible to love when you can’t communicate, period!

And for the record, all y’all seem to think that dating after divorce should be “easy”. I hear it so often from my readers,”I just want easy!” Searching for friction-free the second time around because “you fought so often in your marriage, you refuse to do it again.”

Right? Wrong. Wake up and smell the reality, Snow White.

Relationships are NEVER easy! They take work and effort. When you find someone worth fighting for, no matter where you are in life you fight. You don’t walk away when it gets difficult, peeps. Relationships are never easy especially after a divorce when you have two different families, different schedules…and with us, two different cities to deal with. It’s not settling if you stay when the going gets tough, it’s realizing that you have something worth fighting for.

So we made up, ok? (Now, no grudge-holding, Moms.) I was just venting because this is my blog and I can. And I’m pretty sure most of you are nodding your heads in agreement anyhoo…that I am surely 100% fucking IMPOSSIBLE and Number Thirteen is most likely a saint for dating me.

xo j

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