I am ok.
I am relieved.
I am beyond grateful.
I woke up Monday from the anesthesia to hear the incredible news from the doctor, ”You are okay, Jennifer. It is not cancer. You are fine.”
My body is fine…but my head is not.
I started to cry. Obviously, I was beyond relieved that the news was good. I mean, I have spent the last three weeks stressing.
Up every night thinking the worst.
After all, I was told I had a fucking tumor in my stomach. I didn’t make that shit up. I didn’t leave the last procedure mishearing the doctor or read the test results that were given to me on my discharge papers wrong. I didn’t do Google search after Google search on “gastric tumors” for shits and giggles.
My family has been through hell, my kids have been so worried. This whole ordeal has been a long month of waiting and wondering.
So while my body is “fine” clearly, my mental state is not.
And don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I am angry that I am healthy! (That would be fucking stupid, okay?) And I’m not pissed they didn’t find anything wrong. I know it could have been a horrific ending and I should STFU already!
But for fucksake, how did I go from thinking I had cancer (a tumor) to it being nothing? (Not only nothing but literally non-existent. My spleen in the wrong place and pushing against my stomach causing a “pucker.” Yeesh.)
Come on, peeps. Let’s get our shit together. I had to go through two procedures, biopsies, an ultrasound…all this stress and money for nothing? I’m sure you see what I’m saying. Ugh. But medicine is not an exact science, I get that, too.
Look, I’m glad I am ok…I am just so tired.
Which is why I am leaving on Friday to take care of my mental health. I’m heading to Malibu to a place I feel like was created just for me. (Even though I’ll be sharing it with about 180 other women too!) I don’t even know how to explain Campowerment. I’m going to spend all weekend caring for my soul, mind, and spirit. (Sounds woo-woo? It totally is.)
Campowerment is the most magical-mind healing place ever! It’s soul-soothing and precisely what the doctor ordered. (Ha.) Tammi Fuller, the CEO of Fun, came up with this “Summer Camp” for women to play and recharge, relax, and get your groove back.
The whole weekend will be filled with experts in all aspects of self-care: psychologists, authors, life coaches, movement and meditation instructors, and so many more. When I got the call that there was ONE available spot, I jumped on it. I mean, the timing is perfect. (Thank you, Chelsea and Lea!)
I am giving myself this “gift” this weekend.
It’s time to give myself a break from the noise and tension of my everyday world. I am going to stop feeling guilty for not returning a text or email and enjoy making new friendships and connecting with old ones.
I’m going to dance, cheer, laugh and walk barefoot in nature. (Yes, this time I am going to take off my fucking shoes and walk barefoot.) I already know I’m going to jump off the highest tower on the ropes course.
This will actually be my first trip to camp alone. In the past, I’ve gone with friends. I took my best friend Leslie, my cousin, Jill… and I’ve met the most fantastic women at Campowerment. Friends I still visit all over the country.
Some of you might think this is stupid, right? That self-care isn’t really that important and why don’t I just get a yoga membership or go get a facial? And sure that is all good but there is nothing like this place. Nothing.
There a million excuses to not go…but once you take the leap of faith and sign up, you’ll seriously feel like you’re coming home. Want to see what I’m talking about? Take a peek at my Instagram Stories this weekend to see what we’re up to!
Here’s what I know: My mind will thank me next week when it’s just as healthy as my body. (And so will my boyfriend, kids, and family — you’re welcome, guys!)