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That Time I Went Hiking


Water bottle.

Lulu pants.

Lulu tank.

Lulu jacket.

Lulu thong. And I could stop this blog right here…CUT! If we were filming a TV pilot, or a screenplay…the director would be screaming, “CUT!” Cause I mean, it’s just so fucking stupid how dumb it all is. I’m getting ready this morning to take my boys hiking in the mountains. Ya, you heard me correctly. A HIKE in the MOUNTAINS. And I yell up to them, “Get dressed guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes…I’ll be ready in like 20!” Holy shit, I run to my room…and I start pulling crap out of my drawers for this day in the woods.

They want to go HIKING with ME! YES!  

They want to go hiking with me? Omg. They must be crazy? They know I don’t like to leave the house. I’m not really good at things that involve dirt, or bugs. Or fresh air. Wow. I need to man-up and grab my lady parts! My boys want to go into the woods with ME!  This sounds like a bad Lifetime movie. This will not end well. The mere fact that I’m even using the words “in the woods” is enough to make me nervous, let alone the thought of actually getting dressed for it. But I do, I start pulling out the Lulu. The lulu. The LULU fucking lemon shit to hike in the mountains of North Carolina?

And cut. Scene.

I can’t make this shit up.

I come out of my bedroom looking like a total asshole. Dressed head-to-toe in black athleisure. That’s actually a word now: athleisure. I learned it from that talk show host, Amelia Coughlin, from Not Your Boyfriend’s Radio Hour. Athleisure is athletic apparel that you can also wear for non-athletic purposes: a trip to the market, going to pick the kids up at school. Or perhaps (maybe) watching your kids hike at Crowder’s Mountain? Yes! I am ready to go! And my tits are looking good, too… if I do say so myself! All up, and perky in my Lulu Y-something tank.

I walk into the family room and announce, “I am ready!”

The boys look at me and say,”Mom, you do realize we are going hiking right?” What? I’m not a total dick. Of course I know we are going hiking! (It was my idea.) And it’s not like I’ve never been on dirt before or in trees. I did go to Camp Tamakwa! Although it was 20 years ago and I had to be picked up from my overnight trip by the camp director. I didn’t want to piss in the woods. Who would? Not my cup of tea. Everyone has their thing and camping is just not mine.

I’m good at other stuff.

City-like stuff. Like shopping and theatre. I’m really, really good at “hiking” through SoHo. And navigating the busy streets of San Fran. You should see me work a GM to get a reservation at a restaurant in South Beach. Shit–that is my thing. Fuck the open air…I’ve got Open Table. This bitch don’t play. I may not be able to hunt and kill my dinner, but I sure as shit can order it better than any girl in this town. Hey, waiter…I said, ON THE SIDE, dammit! Ha.

I told Mr. Funny I was going hiking. And that there was an elevator on the mountain we chose. An ELEVATOR. I actually told this man there was an elevator on the mountain. He was like, “Jen, babe…there is no elevator at Crowder’s Mountain.” Hmmm. Well, that’s embarrassing. I must have got it confused with the mall. Or the Empire State Building. Isn’t there an elevator on Masada in Israel? Was I just so exhausted after climbing up that thing that I was hallucinating? I could have sworn I rode down in some kind of elevator because I wore flip flops…and there was no way in hell I was ever walking! #fashionbeforecomfort

Like I said: this shit just ain’t my thing.

But Mr. Funny, it’s his thing. He is like the most athletic, outdoorsy human ever. He could honestly live outside. I’m pretty sure he would climb anything above sea level. I’ve seen pictures of him hiking and smiling with his friends. He actually shows signs of happiness whilst exerting energy and moving upward. Weird, right? (But sexy!)

I am a loser. He should be dating a chick that owns a carabiner. Ugh. I know he’s going to ask me to go soon on some kind of outdoor adventure…I just know it!

And I’ll be ready, dammit.

This big city girl will be ready to go. Thank Goddess my guys are going to show me the ropes! Baby steps. I even have a new little cross-body bag to carry my cell phone and lip gloss! I am like a Girl Scout, prepared for anything that might come my way. Let’s do this! Boys, get in the car! We’re stopping at Starbucks. Momma’s gonna need a little extra caffeine to get my fat ass up that hill! Baby steps?

And scene.

I swear, I can’t make this shit up. 😉

xo j

I can't make this sh*t up. I suited up in my Lululemon and took the boys #hiking. I'm just not cut out for this sh*t. But I'm sharing so you can share my pain. #momsplaining #datingafterdivorce
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