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I wish I hated him.

Or he did something shitty.

Or he was mean.

I wish he cheated on me…

Or said hurtful words, was disrespectful or unkind. Then maybe this breakup would make sense. Maybe it would be less painful. I’d be able to eat and sleep. I’d stop crying. Ya. Maybe if he was a horrible human being, this break up would be a piece of cake.

But he’s not.

He is my best friend.

And he’s wonderful. And I’m probably going to love him for as long as I live. In fact, maybe even longer than that. He might even be my soul mate. I can’t even believe I broke up with him, for Goddess sake, but I did. And it’s over. And that is that. Well, there is much more than “that is that” but I’m not sharing it. It’s between me, and #13. It’s our story, and I will keep it for us. (See, JH, I’m not so bad after all.) But I will share this: Sometimes love is just not enough to keep two people together. Sometimes, love is not enough to make it work. And sometimes, you just have to let go of what you think is forever…even though you want it so fucking bad it hurts.

I wanted it so bad I put things that were super important to me aside.

And that, my friends, is no bueno.

I will stop crying now, so I can see what I’m typing.

And yes, I’ve been crying for three days. And yes, I have lost five pounds which some of you might find to be a negative thing, but I am thinking it’s the BEST thing that’s happened thus far. And yes, I am not sleeping but sleep is overrated. I am totally fixated on the good stuff in my head. I mean, it’s like impossible to remember the bad. I’m trying, trust me, I am. But I can’t. I keep replaying all the amazing times we had, the good things we did…the fun plans we won’t be sharing. And I’m nauseous thinking about dating again. Having to meet new guys, start fresh. Pretend to be interested, act like I actually give a fuck. I won’t give a fuck. I will be thinking about him.

So. I will not.

I will not date.

I will take a break.

A MAN-A-PAUSE. Ha. I love it. But alas, I can’t take credit for it, a good friend of mine coined the term. I was telling her about my break-up and she said, “Bitch, please. You need a man-a-pause.” Ha. I was dying. And yes, Jaimie, a man-a-pause I will be taking. No Tinder, no Bumble or Match. No coffees or dinners. Nada. I am off the dating scene for as long as it takes to heal my heart, and clear my head of all things #13. It’s only fair to me and the next man I decide to fall for. If I ever feel like falling for any man again. I am honestly emotionally exhausted, and I my heart needs a break. I thought this one was it, Y’all. Not like my husband or my forever person, cause that is just plain stupid. We all know, that ain’t happening until my kids go to college.

But I thought he was my “for now” guy.

My “forever for now” guy.  The guy I was going to spend the next who-cares-how-long just hanging out with. We never talked about a ring or blending families. We never wanted to move in together. It was never about next year or next week. It was just about “for now”.  Shit! How good did I have it? Do you know how hard it is to find a person that wants exactly what you want at this point in our lives? Rhetorical. But still, it all has to click. Square peg, round hole. And we had shit that just didn’t well, fit. I guess.

So this blog was for me today, honestly. It was all for me, to vent. I am sad, so sad. I’m hurting..and missing my guy. But I am going to post this and then I’m going to get dressed. I’m going to wash my perfectly perfect pussy, and go out tonight to the bar with my girlfriends! Yes. I need a couple of drinks with the girls. Nothing says “over it” like a clean vag and a bright pink pair of lips! Oy. On my face, you pervs… on my FACE! 😉

Oh, and everyone in Florida, please be safe. Love to you all.

xo j

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