I know what to do.
I wrote a book for fucksake.
I am basically a relationship expert!
I can help other people get happy so what the hell is wrong with me?
Rhetorical.
I know exactly what’s wrong with me; I don’t practice what I preach! I have been to the seminars and the therapy sessions. I go to Campowerment every year to learn the latest and best practices for healthy relationships. I’ve read all the books and had the most phenomenal teachers. I study this shit inside and out. I know what to do, and what NOT to do, trust me. Now, why can’t I just do it? Why do we fight about such mundane things?
Why can’t we just get along?
We have talked about it, Number Thirteen and I. We talk about it all the time; Til we are blue in the face…and neither of us wants to give up. He is my person, and I am his. How do we know? Ha. That’s for another blog. But what I can tell you is we both can admit our faults. We both can say we are sorry…and we both know we have work to do.
And that, my friends…is a start.
So here is MY list of what I know needs to happen in a relationship to make it work. And if I had this list when I was married, I most likely would still be married. And sure, we all have our days, moments of fucking up…no one is perfect. But I can not be “teaching and preaching” this to my readers if I’m not implementing it (or at least trying to) in my own life. Ready?
My Wish I had this list when I was Married List
Let go of shit. Self-explanatory. It should be, right? But I can’t seem to do it! I hold on to crap like superglue, but so does he. Everyone needs to get over it…give yourselves 24 hours at the most to feel like shit, or be angry. Say your piece, and then kiss. Kiss, makeup and MOVE ON. Ummm, I think I was mad for a month over a mistake he made once. In fact, I’m still kinda bitter, and that’s just unacceptable. #getoveritjen
Stop being such a ball-buster. Dang. Who knew I was such a bitch? I raise my voice; I’m a yeller so what? Well, it’s only an issue if he’s not. He came from a quiet home, or he shuts down when you get all amped-up. Yikes. Does he do anything right? That’s how he feels when you bust his balls about every little thing he does wrong. If he doesn’t put a dish in the right place, let it go. And let him keep his testicles. You catch more flies with wine than vinegar. Or is it honey?
Let him be the boss. He likes to feel NEEDED. Can you trust me on this one? He was born to do, help and protect. I learned this the hard way, and you will too when your man divorces you. I know, harsh. But if you always do everything yourself what are you saying? Right. That he’s not good enough to do it, or he’s not capable. It’s emasculating. He CAN do it, so let him. Let him open your door, let him feed the baby…let him ravage you in bed. Watch how “manly” he gets when you let him fuck you like he wants to. Yaaaaas.
See the best in him, not the worst. He does lots wrong, sure. But he does LOTS right. Concentrate on that. The right, the good…the fantastic man he is. Dammit, I am fucking up big! Is he sweet, and kind? Supportive? Does he make you laugh? See? Tell him.
Fall in love every, single day. Clichè, I know. And impossible I’m sure. But find a way to get there. Look at an old video on your cell of you all acting silly. Send him a picture of a perfect day. Meme him a sexy quote from Pinterest. Fall for him again, again. Sigh. And he will fall for you, too.
Fill his bucket. My biggest regret looking back. I should have tried harder to say nice things, be kinder…but I was so angry. I resented him for just about everything. Ugh. It’s so important to make him feel good about himself. Sure you’re thinking it’s not your job, he needs to find it within…bullshit. Egos need stroking. He is insecure (sshhhhh, don’t tell him) and needs hear positive feedback. Words of affirmation, ya know? We all do! Fill his bucket with compliments (real ones) when he’s done something you appreciate. Like the laundry, or wrote you a cute card. Fill his soul by acknowledging what he does every day for your family. “Hey, babe. I appreciate you for all you do for us. You are a great dad.” Watch how fast he comes home from work the next day. And I bet he picks up dinner without even asking.
He will make mistakes; he is human. Duh. But it’s hard when you’ve told him a thousand times…and he’s done it again? What is he four? Ya, he is human. And you fuck up, too. People make mistakes.
Money doesn’t matter. Men think money equals success. That if you make a certain amount you have achieved a particular status in life. And money is the cause of most fights in marriages. Now, I know this is a tough one, ladies…but you can take it…it is only money. Money comes and goes, but he will be there (we hope) forever. Find a way to measure his success by the family, health, and love that surrounds you. Not by the fancy cars or houses, or his paycheck.
Be silly. (Find his inner Batman) My favorite! Laugh lots, laugh loudly…laugh often. Be silly and dumb. Find time to act like dorks and play. I found my Batman, did you?
Give him space. He still needs his alone time to do the things he loves to do aside from you. His single things. Whatever they may be. Hiking, working out, doing puzzles, guy’s nights…whatever, let him have his space. Or you will never get any of your own. Never.
Let him be who he is, and accept him. NO really accept him. If you are dating in your forties, or after a divorce…what you see is what you get. This man standing before you is the man he will be forever. No, if’s, and’s or but’s about it, he is done changing for anyone. This is tough to accept girls. You can try to morph him into the “man of your dreams” but it ain’t happening. Love him for who he is, or move it along. It’s not fair to either of you to try or think any differently. You will just end up angry and be resenting him, and he will wonder why. Now, if he allows you to toss an old pair of Oakley Sunglasses for a new pair of Ray Bans, I think that “change” is acceptable!
Ok, no time for small talk. Gotta wrap this shit up and go find Number Thirteen, I at least owe him a bj after this blog. 😉
xo j