I sat there watching.
Boy, was it sad.
It looked so….
Well, painful.
No, it wasn’t just painful, it looked flat-out disastrous. It was like watching a terrible horror film with your hands over your eyes or a car wreck…You know like you don’t want to watch it but you just can’t help yourself. Yasss. That is what I witnessed last night as I sat next to the most uncomfortable first-date I have ever seen.
And how did I know it was the WORST date ever?
Well, she was curled up into a ball on her side of the table. Like if she could get under it, I’m pretty sure she would. I was watching her and thinking, ”Bitch, sit up straight. At least look like a normal person you’re out in public!” She wasn’t making any conversation at all, crumpled over like the Hunchback of Notre-Dame. Even Zac, my 14-year0old thought the whole thing was a hot mess. He used the word “cringy” which of course I’ve heard him use a gazillion times (but never to describe a couple acting like total losers on a date at Wild East Asian Bistro)!
It wasn’t hard to hear them either. The dude was talking so fucking loud because the chick was pretending not to hear him. (Rude.) She wasn’t making any eye contact and I think she thought that maybe if she pretended he wasn’t there he would disintegrate into the atmosphere (like half the Universe from Marvel). Poof. No, dipshit! Look, you’re there. You got dressed up for the date so you might as well play nice and get a dinner out of it. Act pleasant and make a new friend. Stop behaving like a cunt and perk up. And yes I just used the c-word because I really do feel that it is the only appropriate word at this juncture.
Come on, lady. You swiped right, he swiped right. Woman up and act polite