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Millennials, You Suck at Divorce.

Millennials You Suck!  

(I think I’m about to lose my job. Those damn Millennials!)

They’ve finally started doing something right!

Yes, you heard me. I just got done reading an article that my Dad sent me from Bloomberg. Because of you pesky Millennials, the divorce rate is dropping! I can’t even believe it after all the annoying shit you do to piss me off…you’ve finally started doing something right! (Wait, am I a Millennial? No, ages 27-35. So close!) 

I should be clear that I am proud of y’all. Even if as a divorce and dating coach I will probably lose some of my future clientele. But here are the facts: ”Americans under the age of 45 have found a novel way to rebel against their elders: THEY ARE STAYING MARRIED.” How’s that for a big FU to their parents who decided to throw in the towel when they were in elementary school? I love it, and I’m totally impressed. I’m raising the roof, and hooting up a storm! If I could shout “YOU GO, Millennials!” I would. (Can I hear a “Hell YES”?)

And do you wanna know how these younger (and obviously smarter) Gen-Xers and especially Millennials are doing such a fabulous thing?

Well, hold on to your seats, and I’ll fill you in. According to this article in Bloomberg, as a result of them being pickier about who they are marring, getting married older in life when their careers and finances are on track, and just being all around more prepared in general, the divorce rate is dropping at a rate of  an astounding 18 percent from 2008 to 2016! Holy Matrimony, Batman!

I am entirely losing my job.

I best be learning how to pole dance.

These youngins are getting this marriage thing right.

Ummm, how about a big, “DUH”? Like I’ve been saying this to almost every single person I’ve met in the last 10 years. In fact, I’ve been saying this for the last twenty since the day I got married in 1999. It’s not rocket science, scientists. If you wait longer to walk down the aisle, have your ducks in a row,  and WAIT to have kids, you will obviously UP your chances of lasting longer in your relationship. Oh em gee. This is news? Vanna, flip me a letter.

(Fuck, annnnddd…I’m writing a book about it. Coming out next spring: ”Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda- A Divorce Coach’s Guide to Staying Married. Pretty catchy, right? And fucking brilliant if I do say so myself.)

But really?

Another thing causing the divorce dip is that marriage is no longer “the thing to do”. It’s more of a status of achievement. Millennials don’t care if everyone is doing it. They don’t feel the same pressures we all did when we were in our twenties. You know, the maid thing and that annoying relative reminding you, “Always a bridesmaid, Never a bride.” Fuck that. These Snapchatters are all about staying single and sexy. DM me and let’s go hang out at that new microbrewery with all those other Snappchatters. Ha. (Also, what the hell is so great about Snapchat, anywho? And will you please stop with the IG stories and the little doggie ears and glittery faces.) #millennials #hashtags #wth

Can you just pick up the phone and call me? (Dial and raise phone to head.)

And according to Ben Steverman, the divorce rate is dropping also because peeps are choosing cohabitation and not getting married at all! Just living together and opting not to making it a legal binding agreement. Hmmm. Just raising the kiddos and growing old under one roof. What the hell is that? I’m not so sure about this you guys. But ok! As long as y’all are bringing that divorce rate down, I like it! But what happened to live happily ever after? The white dress, a sparkly ring, and a big party? Guess I’m not the only one losing a job. Wedding planners, florists, DJ’s, and photographers best be looking for new work, too. Jeez. “I Do” just turned into a big, fat…”I Don’t” when it comes to Millennials tying the knot. (Rabbi, you’re fired!)

But for those of you that still believe in the white picket fence and growing old together, I commend you. Mazel Tov! Marriage isn’t easy but divorce is much harder. Take it from a woman who knows. Keep up the good work, you pesky Millennials! You make a Happy Divorce Coach proud. (Kinda.)

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